Veggietales Star Wars: The Phantom Menace
by Ek01
Summary: Go back to where it all began in this Veggie parody of the greatest sci-fi saga of all time!
1. Prologue

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\--

A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away...

\--

\--

Turmoil has engulfed the Galactic Republic.

The taxation of trade routes to outlying star systems is in dispute.

Hoping to resolve the matter with a blockade of deadly battleships, the

greedy Trade Federation has stopped all shipping to the small planet of Naboo.

While the Congress of the Republic endlessly debates this alarming chain of events, the Supreme

Chancellor has secretly dispatched two Jedi Knights, the guardians of peace and justice in the galaxy, to settle the conflict...


	2. Breakin’ In!

In the vacuum of space lies thousands of planets.

Just outside of one particular planet, Naboo, there is a base. Within that base, thousands of different alien species are working

together...but some are working

on a sinister plot.

"...Nyess," says a voice from the other end of a hologram. "This plan is going rather smoothly, wouldn't you say, Nute?"

"I agree, my master.." says Nute Gunray, a Nemoidian leek. "So, how is everything in the political world going?"

"Fine, fine." Says the voice. "They haven't a single clue that I am actually an evil Sith mastermind."

Meanwhile, within the vents, two

shadows are overseeing this

conversation, one shadow smaller than the other. Upon receiving the

information, they leave the opening

of the vent and move through the

rest of the shaft.

Meanwhile, one of Nute's associates saw a red light blinking. He looked at the digital map of the ship, and saw two red dots slowly advancing towards the meeting hall!

"Sir!" He called.

"Yes?!" Exclaimed Nute. "What, pray tell, had irked you to interrupt my meeting with our master; AKA the GUY THAT COULD LITERALLY KILL US BY HIS OWN HAND?!"

"...nothing, you did say this thing is entirely Jedi-proof, right?"

"Yes?"

"...cause' there are Jedis in here."

Everyone panicked. The hologram with the Master shut off. Nute slammed a green button on the wall, activating an alarm.

"Heh...just try to get in, you nerf crud." Nute chuckled to himself. "Jedi are no match for the Destroyers!"

"Uh, sir?" Someone

called.

"Yes?"

"THEY'VE GONE THROUGH THE FRONT DOOR!!" He yelled. "CODE

REEEEDDDD!!"

At that very moment, nearest the front door, two shadows appeared.

The people at the holograms and

computers gasped.

"W-who are you?!" Asked one of the workers.

A flash of green stabbed a worker in the back. A flash of blue appeared, then did the same. One of the shadows grabbed someone's door key, then opened the door to the next room.

In the next room, there were thousands of forcefield layered

Destroyer battle droids! The flashes

of green and blue appeared once again, and both shadows chopped through every single droid there was. With every shot the droids

fired, the shadows reflected with their sabers.

Both the shadows then came into the light, revealing them to be a grape Padawan and gourd Jedi master. The gourd was gray and black-haired, he carried a green lightsaber and wore brown robes. The grape was green, with light brown hair, he wore the same brown robes as his master.

"THAT...WAS...an AWESOME parry back there, Master Arvi-Gon!" Said the grape to the gourd.

"Zhanks, Obi-Wan!" Replied Arvi. "You didn't do so bad yourzelf!"

"And look at that!" Said Obi, opening the next door. "We're almost the--"

"freeze." Said a mechanized voice.

Both the Jedis' eyes widened.

There were thousands of battle droids that surrounded them. With every droid the Jedi killed, another five would pop out on its

place!

"There's too many of them, Arvi!" Panted Obi-Wan.

Arvi-Gon looked around the corner to see the docking area for freighters.

He used the Lite Vinaigrette and concentrated; "--Next Shipping--ten minutes--location: near Otoh Gunga, Naboo--."

Arvi-Gon Jinn killed all the droids in the area, then opened the door to the freighter.

"Come, my colleague," he told

Obi-Wan. "We must flee to Naboo!"

Obi obeyed, the two closed the door. At the exact time, the ignition for the freighter started up, and our heroes were now on their way!


	3. the most hated character in Star Wars

The planet of Naboo was covered in green foliage, a few large cities scattered here and there.

These cities were surrounded by vast, ocean-like lakes and rivers--making this the best fishing spot in

the Galaxy. Slowly, the freighters carrying various supplies landed on the ground.

The freighter ship's door opened, and Obi and Arvi quickly got out and hid in the foliage before anyone

could notice. While in the midst of discussing plans for escape, Arvi-Gon Jinn gasped.

There, right in front of the approaching vehicle, was a rather dopey-looking Gungan. The Gungan looked down, and started

smelling a pretty flower, completely unaware of the vessel!!

"...no you don't." Said Arvi-Gon Jinn.

Arvi quickly pushed the Gungan onto the ground, and the large vessel went directly over the two, not harming them whatsoever.

When the vehicle was gone, he

walked away, knowing that he'd

done a good thing.

However, the Gungan started to follow him.

"HEY!! HEY, WAIT!!" He called. He ran towards Arvi, who slowed him down with the Lite Vinaigrette.

"...You could've been killed, da, are you BRAINLESS?!!" Exclaimed Arvi.

"I spake!" Exclaimed the Gungan gourd.

"Za ability to (ahem), "spake", does not make you intelligent." Said Arvi.

Arvi started to walk away yet again, when the Gungan walked in front of

him, giggling and smiling.

"Mee-sa called Jer-Jer Binks!!" Jer happily introduced. "Mee-sa is-sa now you-sa humble servant!!"

"Oh no." Said Arvi.

"OH YES!!" Exclaimed Jer-Jer. "YOU-SA SAVED MEE-SA SO NOW MEE-SA OWE YOU-SA MEE-SA LIFE!! COMMANDED BY THE GODS THIS-SA IS!!"

While Jer-Jer happily pranced around, Obi looked at Arvi.

"...And I suppose we're at the part of the picture where we meet the bumbling idiot, right?" Obi

whispered to Arvi.

"Correct." Said Arvi.

"Ooh!" Said Jer-Jer, noticing the two had lightsabers. "Is you-sas Jedi-sas?! That-sa totally awesome-sa!! I must-a show you-

sa to Boss Sass--he-sa our leader-

sa!"

"Where is your leader?" Asked Arvi.

"Follow Mee-sa!" Exclaimed Jer-Jer

as he dove into the water.

Arvi and Obi looked at each other. They reluctantly held their breaths and dove into the nice, cool, turquoise water after Jer. They swam and swam, until something very large was in their view. That something was an enormous underwater city, built on the left side of a coral reef.

Once the three reached the city, they entered through a pocket of air.

"BLAAARGH!!" Exclaimed Obi. "That was like taking a shower in peanut butter!"

"You-sa'll get-sa used to it-sa." Said Jer-Jer.

Obi glanced at him.

After the three arrived in the city they were immediately taken into custody. Turns out, Jer-Jer was a hardened criminal in Otoh Gunga--the two Jedi were confused at this considering his low intelligence but it all cleared up being since Jer was banished for being incredibly stupid. Obi glanced at the two Gungan leeks escourting then to

the High Council.

They all looked and sounded exactly like Jer-Jer.

Even the females.

"I dunno what's worse.." said Obi, looking at all the Gungans. "--Being in the same room with one abomination or an entire city of them."

"Sssh!!" Said Arvi. "They'll hear you!"

"Oh, right."

The three were taken into court. The judge who held the trial was a

frog-like gourd named Boss Sass,

who surprisingly sounded deeper

and looked nothing like Jer-Jer. Arvi

and Obi pleaded Jer's case, while said Gungan was picking his nose the entire time.

Eventually, Sass let them go, and the three escaped to the Naboo Palace in a Gungan submarine.

After much fighting and running, our heroes freed the Queen Padmé

Amidala-Naberry from hostage. They left Naboo in the Queen's spacecraft, along with her handmaidens, other royal personnel, and ladies-in-waiting.

The ship, however, suffered a blast from an enemy freighter, and since

there weren't any Gatling guns to fire back, Padmé pressed a button

for her R2 units to fix the damage.

"Go back there," said Arvi to Jer-Jer Binks, "And don't touch anything!"

Jer-Jer obeyed. He entered a room with a lot of sleeping pea-2 unit

droids.

"Hello, boyos." Said Jer-Jer Binks to the droids as they all awoke.

One droid, a blue and white little feller named R2-Pea2 looked around. He followed his "brothers" outside, where all the droids were repairing the damage on the ship.

The other droids were being taken out by the meteors, but little R2 still worked. R2 kept working on the land on Tatooine, a vast, desert-

covered planet where hardly any

life grew.


	4. Portrait of the villain as a young boy

As soon as our heroes got off the ship, Arvi grinned like a kid in a candy store.

"What is it, Master?" Asked Obi.

"I feel that za Lite Vinaigrette is here, in zomeone!" Said Arvi."

"You do?" Said Obi.

"Yes!" The gourd replied. "Und I

know vhere to find it!"

While Arvi and Obi continued talking, Padmé and her handmaiden snuck back into the ship, changing their clothes. One by

one, little clothing articles landed on the desert sands next to the

entrance.

"Ready!" Called the Queen, who was now in a more desert-ready outfit. Everyone stared at her. An awkward silence passed.

"Where'd the Queen go?" Was all

her handmaiden said.

—————/

It was the middle of the summer, and the sun really beat down, the sand reflecting off it only made the heat worse. Waves of sweat poured down the brows of Arvi, Jer, Padmé

and her handmaiden, and Obi really wished he was in Otoh Gunga instead of this sandy heckhole. After

much walking, Arvi, Obi, Padmé, Jer-Jer, and R2 had arrived in a small town called Mos Eisely. Many marketplaces lined the area, each store owner calling passers-by to purchase their wares.

"Here we are." Said Arvi as our heroes arrived at a location.

"Are you sure this is the right place?" Asked Padmé.

The location in mind, was a slave home, where nearby lived some rich person who owned them. Within the slave home, was a stove and sink, across from that were halls going into other rooms, and in front of the door was a large, rectangular-

shaped table. Hundreds of articles lined the floor, be it the roll call for the number of slaves currently

present, or their childrens' art

projects.

What Arvi saw next made he, Padmé and Obi cringe.

There was a beautiful cucumber

woman who looked rather miserable.

A beeping green tracking device was on her neck, meaning she could only walk so far away until she would get electrocuted by the collar. It made Arvi shudder and feel sorry for the woman. Calmly and collectively, he approached her.

"Hello! I'm Arvi-Gon Jinn," introduced Arvi, "Und this ees Padmé, R2-Pea2, und mein Padawan, Obi-Wan Kenobi." Jer-Jer looked at Arvi.

"Also, this is Jer-Jer Binks..." said

Arvi, reluctantly.

"HEY-SA!" Jer-Jer exclaimed.

"Hello, ma'am." Said Obi-Wan to the cucumber.

"I'm Shmi." Said the female cucumber. "Shmi Skywalker. This is my son, Ne'zzakin."

The most adorable little zucchini boy came out from behind her. He had blonde hair and wore a light-brown tunic. On his head, he wore a (far too big) set of Sandspeeder repair goggles. Arvi couldn't help but smile at this child.

"Ello', leetle one." He said.

"Hi, mister!" Said Ne'zzakin. "It's nice to meet you!"

"Your accent is interesting..." Said Shmi. "Are you like, Austrian or German?"

"Da...I'm German, but zometimes, I feel like I'm Irish."

While Shmi, Obi, and Arvi talked, Padmé entered the room. Little Ne'zzakin turned and looked at her,

some strange feeling come over

him.

He found his attention span was mostly on Padmé; her hair, her facial features, her slender body, the way her eyes kinda sparkled in the type of light the room had, not to mention how a strand of her hair kinda curled.

"Wow...She's HOT..." Thought Ne'zzakin.

"Could it be I'm

falling in love

(with you baby)

Could it be I'm

falling in love,

(woo)

Could it be I'm

falling in love,

With you

With you

With you

(With you)..."

"Are you an angel?" Asked the lovestruck boy.

"...pardon?" Replied Padmé.

"An angel." Said Ne'zzakin. "I hear they live on the moons of Iego, and they're the prettiest creatures in all the Galaxy!"

Padmé blushed.

Was this little boy hitting on her in some way? It couldn't be. She

chuckled.


	5. An In-Sidious plan

Back at the Federation Droid control ship, Nute Gunray and his company were contemplating on

their next plan.

"Hmm..." Said Nute Gunray. "How're we gonna get rid of those Jedi guys? Not to mention getting the Queen to vote."

At the exact second, the hologram came on.

"I, have an idea!!!" Said an elderly voice. A wrinkly old orange appeared, wearing a red robe.

"Chancellor Pulpatine!!" One of Nute's associates exclaimed.

"No..." Said the orange. "I thought I told y'all to call me Darth Sidious."

"Sorry, sir...Anyway..." Said Nute Gunray. "Have you any ideas about getting the treaty signed?"

"Why, yes..." Said Pulpatine.

A tall, Zabrak asparagus emerged from behind him. She had red markings and wore a black hood.

"This is my apprentice," said Darth Sideous, "Darth EMaulY."

"...ello', gawgeous!"

An awkward silence passed as everyone stared at Nute. Pulpatine cleared his throat and continued to speak.

"Ah, yes, anyhow, EMaulY will track down these Jedi and bring them to me." Explained Pulpatine. "That is all, I will see you two momentarily."

The hologram turned off. Nute was blushing like a lit beacon, making

everyone look back at him yet again. He managed to regain his composure. As everyone left, Nute sighed, and reminisced the hologram.

"...call me superglue cause holy moly do I get attached!"

/

"So, does za boy have a father?" Arvi asked Shmi.

"He doesn't." Replied Shmi.

"Oh. He died or zome-sink?" Said Arvi.

"No, I'm serious." Said Shmi. "He literally didn't have a father; I was just pregnant with him one day, and nine years and eight months later, here he is!"

"Mm-hmm.." Replied Arvi. "Doesn't make sense...however za Lite Vinaigrette ees a rather fluid concept in itself, da."

Meanwhile, Padmé was still listening veritably to Ne'zzakin saying various info about the world around him, even though he said he'd never been out of his own planet. But he was very sweet and polite.

"You are such a strange little boy." Said Padmé. "How do you know all of this?" She asked.

"I hear a lot of pilots come by and tell their stories." Said Ne'zzakin.

"Say, c'mon back and I'll show ya

Arch!" The little boy ran ahead of

her, and pulled back a curtain

leading to another room.

"Arch?" Asked Padmé.

"Yeah." Said Ne'zzakin. "It's short for Archie-p0. I'm makin' him to help Mom!" He grabbed her non-existent hand and pulled her with him.

"Here he is!" Ne'zzakin proudly exclaimed. "He's a protocol droid." Padmé looked.

Lying on a small bed, surrounded by various tools and bits of metal, was a partially constructed protocol droid. It was shaped like a male asparagus, and it had various wires and things sticking out of it. One golden eye was twisted into its

socket, yet the other was missing.

"Here, I'll turn him on!" Said

Ne'zzakin. He flipped a switch close to Arch's neck.'

The droid started to whir, then his

eye lit up. He looked around.

"Oh, dear!" He said in an upper-crust English lilt. "I can't see!"

"Whoops!" Said Ne'zzakin. He searched through the piles of excess screws. "Here it is." He found another eye and screwed it

on. The other eye lit up as well.

"That's much better." Said the droid. It stood up. "Hello, I, am Archie-p0, vegetable-cyborg relations!" The droid looked, lifted its non-existent legs and tried to walk.

"I b-b-beg your p-p-pardon, Mas-master Ne'zzakin--but this f-f-floor is rather slippery!"

Just then, R2-Pea2 rolled in.

"Hello, brother droid!" Said Archie-p0. "I don't believe we've been introduced: I, am Archie-p0, vegetable-cyborg relations! What is

your name, if I may?"

R2-Pea2 bleeped an introduction that sounded a little like wind

chimes.

"R2-Pea2?" Said Archie-p0. "That is a wonderful name." He extended a "hand". "I am pleased to make your acquaintance."

R2-Pea2 shook his non-existent hand.

He looked at Arch's body, then back at him. He bleeped a question.

"I beg your pardon, but what do you mean, 'naked'?" Asked Archie-p0."

"(*Beep-yee-blee-ep!*)" Said R2.

"My parts are showing?!" Arch exclaimed. "MY GOODNESS!!!"

He tried to "cover" his body with

whatever was in the room. R2,

Padmé and Ne'zzakin laughed.

Ne'zzakin looked back at Padmé. "I'm also building a Podracer--it's

gonna be the fastest and the

bestest one ever!!" Said Ne'zzakin.

"You certainly seem enthusiastic about both your creations..." Said Padmé. "But are you sure you want

to partake in such a dangerous race? You're a little boy, and they're big, tough, ugly racers."

"Yeah, I guess." Said Ne'zzakin.

"But I can't deny the NEED; the NEED for SPEED!!! Also, if a slave like me were to enter and win, then I'd probably be free!" Ne'zzakin walked outside, where he put on a welding helmet and started working on something.

"Oh my." Said Padmé. "You are a slave?" Ne'zzakin took off his helmet, and started polishing it with his shirt.

"Uh--I have to say I'm a slave, but I'm a person." He said, sternly. Ne'zzakin spat on his helmet,

then proceeded to wipe it again.

"I'm sorry." Said Padmé. "It isn't right for a boy like you to be in such a predicament like this."

"Yeah..." Said Ne'zzakin. "But it's a living."


	6. The Convincing

Back in the front room of the

garage, Arvi and Obi were consulting with the Toydarian owner, Watto, about a fair price for a new Hyperdrive. Ne'zzakin, Padmé, R2, and Arch were

watching.

"What do you mean Republic Credits are worthless out here?" Asked Obi-Wan.

"Look, I ain't de banker around here, and there's not a whole lotta

rich folks that wanna leeve in a desert." Said Watto. "If ya don't have the cash, then get out!"

"But we don't have any of the currency." Said Obi. He turned to Arvi. "How're we gonna get that much cash in the short amount of

time we have?"

At that moment, Ne'zzakin burst from where he, Padmé and the droids were watching.

"I have an idea!" said Ne'zzakin.

"There's a Podrace comin' up, they're givin' away a lot of money as a reward--maybe I could win it and give you the money for the Hyperdrive."

Everyone looked at the boy. Watto

broke out into riotous laughter at his comment.

"(Preposterous!)" Exclaimed Watto in his native Toydarian.

"And Watto'll give me my freedom if I win..." Said Ne'zzakin.

"(Mm-nn!! Two words for ya, kid.)" said Watto. "(N-O. No way, no how am I letting one of my best slaves participate in this thing, not even if you could win.)"

("If you don't let me race, Watto..") Said Ne'zzakin in Toydarian. ("I'm gonna do the thing!")

("no...not the thing!") Said Watto.

"Hard to be

sure

Sometimes I feel

so insecure

And love's so

distant and

obscure

Remains the

cure..."

Ne'zzakin closed his eyes, then opened them. His eyes were now huge, and looked like beads. Little stars appeared as his pupils, and he looked undeniably adorable.

"All by myself,

Don't wanna be

All by myself

anymore...

All by myself,

Don't wanna live,

All by myself

anymore..."

Watto pushed Ne'zzakin away from his pereferal viscinity. He sighed, he clearly couldn't take the boy's adorableness.

"...alright, alright, you can be een the race, keed..." Said Watto. "Don't push it."

"Yippee!!" The boy whooped.

His enormous eyes went back to their normal size. Ne'zzakin hopped away to continue working on his

Podracer.

Obi and Arvi looked at each other in shock.

"I can't even do that.." Said Obi.


	7. The Fast and the Jedi-ous!

The sun beat down as little Ne'zzakin was working on his Podracer with Padmé, Arch, R2, Obi, and (unfortunately) Jer-Jer.

"I say, dear R2.." Said Archie-p0, helping R2 haul the engine into place. "That Jer-Jer Binks fellow is rather odd, isn't he?"

R2 agreed.

Jer-Jer was lifting up something rather heavy. Suddenly, a rather large bug scurried onto his leg. He

tried to catch it with his tongue and eat it, but he also didn't want to

drop the heavy object. Jer-Jer ended up catching the bug, but he

spat it out as the object had crushed his foot. He screamed comically and tried to pull his foot out.

"Yes, indeed, he is an odd fellow."

Meanwhile, Arvi-Gon walked outside, carrying a glass of lemonade. He looked, and saw Ne'zzakin working rather diligently on his spacecraft.

"Ne'zzakin!!" Called Arvi. "Could you come here for a zecond, please?"

Ne'zzakin looked up from his still under-construction Podracer, and

removed his welding helmet. His face was rather dirty, so he wiped it off with a rag.

"Sure thing, Mr. Arvi-Gon!!" He called.

Ne'zzakin jumped out from his

Podracer and ran to Arvi. Arvi

withdrew a large needle from a leather satchel. Ne'zzakin jumped back a little, and gulped.

"Mom never said you were giving me a shot!" Exclaimed Ne'zzakin.

"But this ees a special shot, son!" Said Arvi. "Za Lite Vinaigrette is

probably in you, und ve must see

your blood!"

"How do you know the Lite Vinaigrette's in me?" Asked

Ne'zzakin.

"Midicholorians." Said Arvi. "Zhey are vhat makes a Jedi have za Lite Vinaigrette."

Arvi placed the needle into Ne'zzakin's side. Ne'zzakin moved

back a little with an "ow!". Afterwards, Arvi removed the

partially blood-filled needle and placed a band-aid where the needle had been inserted.

"What do Midi-cloroxians look like?" Asked Ne'zzakin.

"Zhey look like leetle bluish-white blobs, very beautiful in color...you know, like a cell?"

"What's a cell?" Asked Ne'zzakin.

"Eet's what makes your body, and eet's shaped like a circle." Said Arvi,

examining the blood. "We'll just

call zem 'Jedi circles.'"

"Why are you checking for Jedi circles?" Asked

Ne'zzakin.

Arvi sighed. Children wanted to know everything.

He leaned in, and whispered,"...Do you want to save za vorld?" He

asked the boy.

"From what?" Asked Ne'zzakin.

"Danger." Said Arvi. "A great danger, in za form of za Sith. Zhey are unmerciful, they are deadly, and

zhey want to kill everyone that isn't

on the Dark Side. If given za chance, zhey would even kill a young boy like you. That is vhy ve

have to be prepared. You, my boy, are clearly exhibiting signs of za Lite Vinaigrette vithin you. If you have a high midi-cholorian rating, zhen you're more likely to become a

Jedi."

"Cool!" Said Ne'zzakin.

"You're darn right it's cool." Said Arvi. He examined the blood-filled needle.

Ne'zzakin was about to walk back

and continue working, when he

turned around.

"Mr. Arvi-Gon?" He called.

"Yes?" Replied Arvi, looking at the boy's blood through a microscope.

Ne'zzakin sighed,

then gave a big

smile.

"I really, really hope I can be a Jedi." He said.

"Me too, kid." Said Arvi, looking at him longingly.

Arvi continued to study the blood. Ne'zzakin walked back and continued to work on the Podracer.

R2, Arch, Padmé, Obi, and Jer-Jer

continued to work on it, and

Ne'zzakin's friends helped him a little later.

\--

The next day, the Podracing stadium on Tatooine was

crowded with thousands of

species, vegetable and alien alike. The usual cries of "POPCORN!!" and "Cotton Caaaaandyyy!!" could be heard as the vendors moved down the rows.

People betting on the racers greedily stared at the board, hoping to get a good price. Padmé, Arvi, Shmi, Arch, R2, and Obi had gotten front-row seating.

Suddenly, two Gamorrean guards appeared from a box seat entrance. They moved back to reveal Jabba the Hutt, a repulsive-looking, obese

slug-like gourd alien. Jabba proceeded to stuff his face with

popcorn.

The announcer for the race, a two-headed Troig pressed his mic.

He then inhaled.

"Welcome!!" Shouted the announcer. His other head translated in Huttese to non-basic speakers. "Welcome, everyone to the Boonta Classic!! (...generously

sponsored by the family of Jabba the Hutt) I'm your host, Fode, the other head is Beed, how're y'all doin'?!"

The crowd cheered and whooped.

"We're just five minutes away from kicking off this years race, but first, I thought I might introduce you to

the racers!"

Cameras that were videotaping the race turned to the first racer on the starting line.

"Up first we have a guy that's like Santa, he just keeps on givin! I tell ya, this dude, is the definition of awesome-- the true cremé de la cream of aviation, the original flyboy! LADIES AND GENTS AND

HUTTS, GIVE IT UP FOR THE

ONE, THE ONLY, SEEEEEEEEEE-

BUL-BAAAAAAAAAAA!!!"

The crowds cheered as a tall, Dug leek raised his multiple arms in the air, and whooped. This was Sebulba, and he had won almost every single Podrace there was.

"Next, we got a funky Gran man

from the Hok region in the colonies,

everybody this is the sensational,

aspirational MAAAAAAAAAA AAWWWW-HOOOOONIIIIIIIIICCCC!!!"

Mawhonic raised his arms and adored the praise he was getting

from the audience. While the announcer continued to say the rest of the participants' names, crafty

Sebulba left his position. He proceeded to remove parts from each one of the Podracers, but when he got to Ne'zzakin's, he laughed hard.

Sebulba removed a chunk of the engine. Ne'zzakin would not be able to drive his craft at all!

"Stupid boy..." Thought Sebulba. "He most certainly will not beat me."

"...And finally, he hasn't won a race in all his nine years of life, but that ain't stoppin' this pint-sized powerhouse! Ladies and Gents, this

race's golden boy, Ne'zzakin

Skywalker!!!!"

The audience stopped applauding and whooping for a moment as Ne'zzakin pushed his Podracer to the starting line with a very loud 'CREEEEE-EEE-EEEEEE-EEEEAK!!'.

Jabba covered his ears, along with

everyone else. Finally, the zucchini

boy had reached the starting line.

Everyone breathed a sigh of relief,

then Ne'zzakin pushed it a bit more. When he was finished, the only cheer or whoop that could be heard was a few very inaudible "...yaaaaaayyy!!"s.

"...okay.." said Fode. "Now were gonna go over the rules.."

Fode was interrupted by thousands of "BOOOOOOO!"s from the crowd. He was knocked over by various things the crowd threw at him, but he managed to get up.

"C'mon, folks! The government

says I have to say this! Sooner I

go over the rules, sooner we can have us a good ol' race!"

Fode cleared his throat, and proceeded to read the rather long list.

"There will be no killing, no bragging, no consistency, no reckless driving, keep your hands and feet inside the Podracer at

all times until the race has come to a complete stop, no strangling, no murder, and no KIDDIN'!!"

"GENTLEMEN..." Said Fode. Everyone participating looked at the participant next to them, and either sneered or called them names. Sebulba and Ne'zzakin were especially rivals at this moment. They locked eyes, and proceeded to insult each other. When they were finished,

they looked ahead at the track.

"START...YOUR...ENGINES!!!!!"

Ne'zzakin revved up his ship with a loud "PURRRR!!" As the other Podracers zoomed ahead of him, he strangely stayed at the starting line. The audience gasped.

"Well, R2..." said Arch. "Looks like we must take this situation into our

own hands..."

R2 nodded.

"Can't stay at

home,

Can't stay at

school,

Old folks say, "you

poor little

fool".."

Archie-P0 and R2 jumped out of the stands and landed in front of the

Podracer. They pushed all the pit crew droids out of the way and

quickly repaired the engine. Ne'zzakin then proceeded to zoom across the track, catching up with the rest of the racers.

"Down the

street,

I'm the girl next

door,

I'M THE FOX

YOU'VE BEEN

WAITING

FOR!!"

Meanwhile, Sebulba was fixing his rearview mirrors. Suddenly, Ne'zzakin was surprisingly close to him. He looked in the mirror, taking

note of the "objects in mirror are closer than they appear" sign.

Sebulba looked back up to notice that Ne'zzakin was now right next to him! Then, the boy zoomed ahead to the second lap checkpoint. The Dug growled; he

was certainly being too easy on this kid.

"Hello, daddy.

Hello, mom.

I'm your ch-ch-

ch-cherry bomb!

Hello world! I'm

your wild girl.

I'm your ch-ch-

ch-cherry

bomb!"

Just as Ne'zzakin had finished the second lap and started to round the third, Sebulba caught up to him yet again. He held up a vicious Lothcat with one gloved hand, and tossed the snarling creature at the boy.

Ne'zzakin ducked, and the Lothcat landed on the face of Mawhonic.

"YYYYYEEEAAAARGGGGGGHHHHGETITOFFGETITOFFGETITOFF!!!!"

Mawhonic screamed, while inadvertently crashing into all the other racers behind him.

("OH-HO-HOOOOOOOOOO O NELLY!!!!" Exclaimed Fode. "I DON'T CARE WHAT PLANET YOU'RE FROM--THAT HAS GOTTA HURT!!")

"Hello, daddy.

Hello, mom.

I'm your ch-ch-

ch-cherry bomb!

Hello world! I'm

your wild girl.

I'm your ch-ch-

ch-cherry

bomb!"

The race was going insanely fast now as everyone that remained tried to make it. Sebulba grabbed a large rock and threw it at an enormous one atop a mountain in front of the track. Everyone gasped as the huge rock fell to the ground, shattering to bits and forming dust.

On the Jumbotron back at the stadium, Padmé felt like she was going to cry, for it seemed as though the boy had been buried under the soil and sediment. Arvi-Gon Jin tapped Padmé's shoulder. She looked up, and saw a tiny speck on the horizon slowly advancing to the finish. That speck was then followed by Sebulba.

Upon closer inspection, it was Ne'zzakin trying to reach the finish while fighting Sebulba! Suddenly, yet another large rock formation fell and crushed Sebulba. It was now rather hard to tell which racer won.

All was silent. A close-up of the

finish line revealed that Ne'zzakin had won quite literally

by a landslide.

"AAAAAND THE WINNER IS NEZZAKIN SKYWALKER!!!"

Everyone cheered. Ne'zzakin was lifted out of his Podracer and

tossed into the air. Everyone was joyously chanting "NE-ZZA-KIN!! NE-ZZA-KIN!!"

Watto (reluctantly) gave Padmé, Arvi and Obi the hyperdrive, and removed the tracking device on

Ne'zzakin's neck. Shmi started to cry, she ran and embraced her little boy.

"Ne'zzakin..." Said Shmi. "I'm so proud of you...come back soon."

"Don't worry, mommy!" Said Ne'zzakin. "I'll be back. And I'll free

you, too!"

Ne'zzakin gave his mother one last embrace, and followed the woman, the two Jedi and the droids into the desert. Shmi watched as her only son, created through an inexplicable means, left.

"Be safe, my boy..." Said Shmi.


	8. Ne’zzakin’s First Mission

A Rebellion starship flew through the starry darkness of space. Two little eyes peered out one of the windows. They looked away, then

giddily looked again.

"YIPPEEE!!" Exclaimed Ne'zzakin.

"I'm

goin' on my first

mi-ssion,

yeah..."

While Ne'zzakin continued being excited, the adults tended to the more pressing matters-

at-hand.

"The Queen's ship nearly broke down," said Bail Organa, "When

one of the R2 units managed to fix it. Where is he?"

"He's right here!" Said Obi.

R2-Pea2 rolled in front of Bail, extending a metal hand. Bail shook it, and R2 said (*"hello!"*).

"This is R2-Pea2, correct?" Asked

Bail.

"Yes." Said Obi.

"Well, little fella, we could really use

someone like you." He patted R2's head, R2 beeped happily.

The ship docked on Naboo, in a local garage. Bail Organa and Padmé were escorted off the premises for their own safety, while Obi, R2, Ne'zzakin, Arvi, and a guy named Captain Panaka investigated. The garage seemed

very suspicious, so they had to be alert.

"Say guys," said Ne'zzakin, eyeing a large button. "What do you s'pose this does?"

"Don't touch tha--"

Ne'zzakin pressed it. Lasers, land

mines, and other traps fell from the ceiling. Finally a large box dropped

in front of our heroes.

"...what'd I just say..." Said Arvi.

A whole lot of battle droids emerged. They were followed by

even bigger droids that could generate shields.

Captain Panaka shuddered at the sight. Obi-Wan noticed little Ne'zzakin was still with them, and he could get harmed!

"Hide in here!" Said Obi-Wan. He levitated Ne'zzakin and R2 into a ship and closed it with the Lite Vinaigrette.

"Let's do zis." Said Arvi to Obi, pulling out his lightsaber.

"Yeah." Said Obi. He activated his lightsaber as well. Ne'zzakin and R2 watched the Jedi and Captain Panaka fought all the Battle Droids. But mischievous little Ne'zzakin saw this action and thought that he should take some part in it...he gazed at the cockpit, and found that whoever was driving it left

the keys inside...

Ne'zzakin pressed a few dozen buttons, then flipped a large switch, activating the craft. He pulled on some goggles.

"Hang on, R2!" He yelled. "THIS IS

GONNA GET AWESOME!!!"

"(WOO-HOO!!)"

beeped R2-Pea2.

Ne'zzakin flew the ship into space, amidst thousands of X-wings and TIE fighters battling. He whooped, and did all kinds of tricks without ever getting shot. Back on the loading dock, Arvi, Obi, and Panaka stood, awaiting the next baddie.

"Oh no." Said Arvi. "I zense some-sink bad's coming!!!"

"You're right. Two words for ya." Said Obi Wan. "Darth EMaulY."

The doors opened, revealing a robed stranger. The stranger took off its black robes, revealing an incredibly sexy Zabrak asparagus

female. This, of course, was Darth

EMaulY.

"hello..." She said, pointed teeth showing.

"oh, man..." Said Arvi Gon Jin. "She's...she's..."

"EVIL, CLEARLY!!" Exclaimed Obi. He ran towards her, baring his lightsaber. "Hold it right there,

yooooooooo--"

(EMaulY pressed a button, and five blades on her lightsaber came out!)

"OOOoouuuu...ARE YOU KIDDIN' ME?!" Exclaimed Obi as he tried to keep up with her moves.

"...vhat a vhoman..." Said Arvi as he watched her fight Obi.

"ARRRVIIIIII!!!" Exclaimed Obi. "I

COULD REEEAALLLY USE A HAND--ooh!--RIGHT NOW!!!"

"Oh, da." Said Arvi. He pushed Obi out of the way and continued to fight EMaulY.

Just as Arvi was about to kill her, he noticed something absolutely strange...it seemed she had forgotten to turn off her 'sexy mode'.

"ENOUGH WITH ZA CHARM, HORN HEAD!!" Exclaimed Arvi, trying to keep his focus.

"...You like me, don't ya?" Said the woman.

"Grrrh!!" Exclaimed Arvi.

"Just admit it, man!" EMaulY said as she did a couple of flips. "You like me!"

Arvi wall-jumped off a few beams, until he was at the top. EMaulY looked down, somehow

staying on the ceiling.

"I have a proposition, Jedi..." Said EMaulY.

Arvi-Gon lost his focus and started

to plummet down. Luckily, the hole were he was falling was small enough for EMaulY to stretch her long body across, catch him, and send Arvi onto the floor again.

"...I wanna be on the light side, cause I know how ya dig me, and I dig ya too, and I honestly bet you and I could really make beautiful music together." She then gave a flirtatious eyebrow wriggle, much to the chagrin of Obi.

"Arvi! She's gonna trick ya!" Exclaimed Obi.

"Oh, Obi, Obi, Obi, ya gotta live a leetle, I sink she likes me!"

The female Sith Lord and the most revered Jedi Master then threw down their lightsabers, looked at each other, then romantically started gettin' down!

"You've got a

cute way of

talking

You got the better

of me

Just snap your

fingers and I'm

walking

Like a dog

hanging on your

lead

I'm in a spin you

know

Shaking on string

you know

You make me feel

like dancing

I'm gonna dance

the night away

You make me feel

like dancing

I'm gonna dance

the night away

You make feel like

dancing

I feel like dancing

Dancing, dance

the night away

I feel like dancing,

dancing,

aaaah.."

Obi Wan did not want to watch or speak about what was occurring in front of him. His own colleague,

in love with a Sith Lady!!

He just could not believe it. It was always, "Jedi don't get married, Obi, so don't get any ideas!" or "My eyes are up here, Obi, not on the Twi'lek!"

"Isn't that just a-dorable!" Exclaimed Captain Panaka.

"Could you go over there for a second?!" Yelled Obi-Wan.

"...sorry...sorry" Panaka moved away.

"Quarter to four

in the morning

I ain't feeling tired

no, no, no, no, no

Just hold me tight

and leave on the

light

'Cause I don't

want to go home

You put a spell on

me

I'm right where

you want me to be

You make me feel

like dancing

I gonna to dance

the night away

You make me feel

like dancing

I'm gonna dance

the night away

You make feel like

dancing

I feel like dancing,

dancing

Dance the night

away

I feel like dancing,

dancing

Dance the night

away

I feel like dancing,

dancing

Dance the night

away

I feel like dancing,

dancing"

"I'm done, here." Said Obi. He pulled out his lightsaber, and...

"And if you'll let

me stay

We'll dance our

lives away

You make me feel

like dancing

I want to dance

my life away

You make me feel

like dancing

I want to dance

my life away

You make feel like

dancing

I want to dance

my life away

You make feel like

dancing

I want to dance

my-"

"AAAAAaauuuuAgh!!!!" Exclaimed EMaulY.

Obi-Wan had used his lightsaber and chopped EMaulY in

half!

"How could you?!" Exclaimed Arvi.

"She totally gets me, da!!"

"I had to do it." Said Obi.

"Who cares about you having to do it!" Exclaimed Arvi. "We're going to run avay from zociety und get

married...right after I fix her up."

"I may be in two halves..." Said EMaulY, "...but I will never stop

loving you."

"AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!" Exclaimed Captain Panaka from afar.

"SHUT UP!" Roared Obi. "NOW WHERE'S NE'ZZAKIN?!"


	9. Consequences of Jedi-Sith Love

On the Death Star, Darth Verdura and Emperor Pulpatine were watching as the TIE fighters were trying to defeat the Rebels.

An Imperial Officer walked in on them. "Lord Verdura?" He called.

"Yes?" Asked Verdura.

"Are you actually gonna kill your own son?" He asked. "That's harsh even for us, I personally think. Can you handle it?"

"...oh!" Exclaimed Verdura. "My dear little, ahem, Flunkey, you see, I very much intend to kill this young one."

"Mm-Kay..." Said the Officer, feeling uncomfortable about this. "You're the boss..."

At that very moment, the lights turned off. The door was opened by Cuke. He looked around, neither the Emperor nor Darth Verdura were

around. A flash of red emblazoned the lighting, which belonged to the lightsaber of Darth

Verdura!

"Hello, PUKE SKYWALKER!!" Exclaimed Verdura.

Cuke pulled out his lightsaber. "Same to you, BARF VERDURA!!"

"...touché." Said Verdura.

Just then, a large, black throne swiveled around, revealing Emperor Pulpatine. He and Cuke stared at each other, until the Emperor said;

"What's good, homeboy?"

Cuke stared at him.

"I'm looking for a new apprentice to train in the ways of a great power..." Said the old orange. "A power known as the Dark

Side...will you join?"

"No..." Said Cuke. "Your petty

alternate religion will do no good against the righteous religion of the Light Side and the power; the Lite Vinaigrette."

"Then, perhaps your "daddy-o" will convince you otherwise..." Said Pulpatine with an air of sarcasm and a crackly laugh.

Verdura advanced to Cuke.

"CONVINCE ME HE SHALL NOT!!" Exclaimed Cuke. The two began

fighting.

While Verdura and Cuke fought, so did the Rebels against the Death Star II. The fight grew longer

and longer, Cuke and Verdura dodging each other's moves.

Finally, with a few more swishes of his lightsaber, Cuke knocked out Verdura's lightsaber and Verdura was thrown to the floor. Cuke lay on top of Verdura, panting, his blue lightsaber nearest Verdura's neck.

"I will end you..." Said Cuke.

"Yesss..." Sighed Pulpatine, sitting on his throne. "Yesss...Let the hate flow through you..."

What had Cuke done? His eyes were starting to change from their normal white to yellow.

"NO!" Exclaimed Cuke. He stopped fighting, and let himself calm down. His eyes changed back to normal.

"You've failed, your Highness. I am a Jedi like my Father before me!"

Pulpatine was furious. His eyebrows clenched. Lightning crackled from the elderly orange's non-existent hands, and blasted Cuke!

"You will succumb to the lure of the Dark Side!!"

Cuke yelled in pain as the lightning

zapped his innards. Verdura heard his screams and couldn't help but feel sorry for him.

Despite Cuke being his enemy, Verdura couldn't bear to watch his only son get electrocuted by

Pulpatine.

While Pulpatine was doing the deed, Verdura kicked the old orange in the shin, and sent him into a wall.

"WHAT WAS THAT FOR?!!" Exclaimed Pulpatine, getting

back up. "I'm TRYING to kill your nemesis!"

"I'm sorry, "Master"," said Verdura. "BUT NO ONE HARMS MY SON!!!"

Verdura sucker-punched Pulpatine a few times and carried him to the edge of the room.

"But Verdura!" Exclaimed Pulpatine, rubbing his blackened eyelids. "You are a Sith! You must come back to the Dark Side!"

"There is nothing you can do, "master"." Said Verdura. "I AM HERBY DENOUNCING MY FAITH IN THE DARK SIDE!!"

He tossed the old man down all the flights of rooms, lightning crackling.

"YOOOUULLLLLLL REGRET THIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSS!!!!" Yelled Pulpatine as he plummeted to the very bottom.

Darth Verdura stared out at Pulpatine and watched him die. Then, he fell on his knees and leaned against the wall, panting. Cuke came closer to him.

"My son..." Said Verdura. "Remove my helmet. With my dying breath, I wish to see you with my own

eyes..."

"No!" Said Cuke. "You'll die!"

"At least I will perish after seeing the one I love..." Said Verdura.

Cuke reluctantly grasped Verdura's mask and moved his non-existent fingers around, trying to find how to open it. Then, he felt it: there was a clasp on the side. He removed it, and started to unscrew his helm like a lid on a thermos. Cuke was in shock when he saw the face behind the mask...

Darth Verdura, without his mask, was just a balding, very malnourished, sickly-looking elderly zucchini.

His face was sunken inward from his many, many wrinkles, and his formerly bright green skin was very pale from not being exposed to sunlight. One by one, he slowly opened his two sky-blue eyes.

"...Cuke..." He sighed. "My boy. You're beautiful."

"Thank you." Said Cuke. "...Are you a Jedi, or a Sith?"

"I was a Sith." Sighed Verdura.

"But now, never have I seen so clearly."

"What is your name, father?" Cuke asked the former Sith.

"I..." He sighed. "I am Ne'zzakin Skywalker. I apologize for every

Sith-associated action I have ever done."

"I am Cuke Skywalker, your

offspring; I am your son..."

Ne'zzakin looked at

Cuke, Cuke at Ne'zzakin. Both embraced.

"YIPEEE!!" Exclaimed Ne'zzakin, "I. HAVE. A SON!!!!"

Both father and son made up for all those years gone by. They told stories, they took pictures, they embraced and laughed. Three hours passed, and Verdura could sense something.

"My son..." He said, some worry in his voice. "You must go."

"Why?" Asked Cuke. "This is the greatest day of my life!! I've met the

father I never knew, you're now a good guy, and I love you!!"

"Son..." Said Verdura. "If you don't get out now, they will blow up

the Death Star along with us.."

"NO!!" Cuke exclaimed. "STAY WITH ME, PLEASE!"

Ne'zzakin stood up and looked at the ceiling.

"...Obi, y' could've used the Lite Vinaigrette and sensed if he was gonna be this much of a weenie

when he grew up."

"Son," said Ne'zzakin, looking back at Cuke. "I AM your father, and as long as you are in MY Death Star, you're gonna have to TRUST me!"

"Trust YOU?! You used to be with the bad guys!! How do I know that you're not grabbing your saber, ready to stab me?!

"Then you're just gonna have to BE A MA--Wait...how could I forget, my boy: you've already

proven to me that you are."

"Really?" Said Cuke.

"Yes, my son. I've been sending your presence on this entire adventure you've participated in...I'm so proud of you, boy."

Ne'zzakin hugged his son.

"(snif)...u-Uncle O-Owen never told me something this meaningful...h-he would just tell me to shut up and get him a beer..." Said Cuke.

Both cucumber and zucchini laughed.

"Aw, Owen...he was such a crack-up..." Said Ne'zzakin.

Cuke looked at Ne'zzakin. Ne'zzakin hugged Cuke, then kissed Cuke on the cheek, and Cuke started to walk out.

"Goodbye, Father..." Said Cuke, who was tearing up.

"Goodbye...son..." Said Ne'zzakin. "You were right..."

Cuke entered his X-wing and looked back at Ne'zzakin. He smiled, and so did Ne'zzakin. Cuke's X-wing flew away from the Death Star II. Ne'zzakin smiled as the Death Star II exploded in a fiery inferno, along with himself.

His only son, Cuke Skywalker had made it back to Endor alive, a Jedi Knight and in one piece...


	10. The Battle of Otoh Gungah

The fog covered practically everything on the swamps of Naboo, sans a few large trees and plants. From the distance, the Gungan Army emerged from a pathway through the swamps.

The Gungans were either walking, moving a large catapult-like machine, or riding on a creature used as a beast of burden.

Jer-Jer Binks was riding on his mount, while dragging a rope

tied to a catapult, when Boss Sass

approached him.

"Jer-Jer!!!" Called Boss Sass.

"Yes-sa?" Asked Jer-Jer.

"Mee-sa forgiving you-sa for you-sa previous actions and I'm-a herby

making you-sa a General-sa." Said Boss Sass. "You-sa will lead-sa the Gungan Army-sa...If you-sa not

chicken, that is-sa..."

Jer-Jer gulped.

General?

Leading the army?

He certainly felt rather chicken because of his new promotion.

The entire Gungan Army lined up.

Slowly, Federation battle droid carrier ships came from the other side.

They stopped, and one by one they opened up, placing each, individual compacted Battle Droid down a few inches away from the others. Then, the carrier ships closed up. The Battle Droids stood up, much like a human, and grabbed their weapons.

"Rodger, Rodger..." They all said, in unison.

All was silent.

Someone pushed a reluctant Jer-Jer across the field, until he was in front of the army. Jer gulped, gazed back at the army, and then at the battle droids. Beads of sweat started to form on his amphibious

face.

"...Well?!" Exclaimed Boss Sass. "...We-sa ain't gettin' any younger-sa!"

Jer-Jer yelped. He raised his spear and yelled at the top of his lungs,

voice slightly cracking;

"A-TTTTTAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaAAAAAAA AACKKK-SA!!!" The entire Gungan

Army ran forward, activating their

forcefield, and also running over Jer-Jer in the process.

"Everyone's watching, to see

what you will do

Everyone's

looking at you, oh

Everyone's

wondering, will

you come out

tonight

Everyone's trying

to get it right, get

it right..."

The field, silent moments before, was now bursting with sound. The

Gungan army practically plowed through the battle droids.

Jer-Jer could not be seen at the time, for he was hiding behind a tree.

This behavior wasn't becoming of a Gungan General, yet it was becoming of someone like Jer-Jer.

A few Gungans were slain, but nonetheless the army kept on battling. Then, Jer-Jer saw it: the

battle droids were being controlled by a large orb atop a tower.

If he made a shot with the catapult at the orb, the battle droids would de-activate.

"Everybody's

working for the

weekend

Everybody wants

a little romance

Everybody's goin'

off the deep end

Everybody needs

a second chance,

oh...

You wanna piece

of my heart?

You better start

from the start,

You wanna be in

the show?

C'mon let it go!"

Jer-Jer loaded an orb, and pulled back. Then, he fired it, exploding

the tower. Every single battle droid, even the ones with forcefields shut completely down. The Gungans cheered, and some even kicked the dead droids and ripped their heads

off.

\--

\--

"But Pulpatine!" Said EMaulY from the hologram. "He totally gets me!"

"No buts." Said Pulpatine. "I tried

to warn you about the dangers of the Jedi, my dear apprentice, but no. You have regrettably failed me, the Dark Side, and your entire

Nightsister brethren."

"GOOD, THEN!!" Lite-Vinaigrette screamed EMaulY, slightly disrupting the hologram feedback. "I DON'T CARE!!"

Pulpatine stood up.

"Because of this unspeakable

incident, I am henceforth sentencing you and your precious (ahem) 'Arvikins' to exile. You will not participate in any Sith-based activity, and you will not come back

here. That's an order."

EMaulY growled slightly as Pulpatine turned off the hologram.

He leaned back in his chair, and smacked his lips a little, clearly

contemplating on something.

"Hmm..." He said. "I will need a new apprentice...but

whom?"

Slowly, Pulpatine's facial muscles moved, giving him a very mischievous expression. He chuckled, thinking how brilliant the ordeal was--this plan he'd

concocted was foolproof.


	11. Epilogue:

Because the Gungans had won the battle, both an enormous, vibrant party and spectacular parade were taking place on Naboo. Obi-Wan, Ne'zzakin and Padmé were watching this momentous occasion.

"Don't worry, my boy." Said Obi-Wan. "I swore that in Arvi-Gon's absence, I will train you."

"YIPPEE!!" Said Ne'zzakin.

Meanwhile, from within the shadows, Emperor Pulpatine was watching. He gave a malicious laugh and moved his non-existent

fingers.

"Au contraire. We, will train you, my boy..." He said. "...muhahahahaaa..."

The End..


End file.
